How do you argue?

4 Aug

I was reading an article today on that stated the key to winning any argument is to simply state, “You just really hurt my feelings.” Now, I love this website. I frequently retweet their articles and check the site daily for new info, but I am going to have to severely disagree with this particular article and this notion of simply saying, “You hurt my feelings” and having the other person immediately feel horrible and apologizing. From my experience this doesn’t happen. This is more likely to work with women, but I really don’t remember this ever ending well with males. I would like to use the word “men”, but oftentimes I’ve come to realize that most men I argue with turn into children once any dispute becomes too much for them to handle (this includes staring at the wall, plugging their ears, walking away, etc.)

I consider myself to be understanding, empathetic and sympathetic (all around the perfect specimen of a human being, kidding). I think for the most part arguing or rather disagreeing usually ends well. I am a firm believer in, “let’s just agree to disagree” and know that sometimes there just isn’t a win/win scenario. I also believe that it is always pertinent to state your point (even if it’s not well received) and to make it known that what the other person did/said affected you in a hurtful/negative/careless/immature/etc. way. Not just so they can feel bad about it, but so they can avoid doing/saying it again. Whether they are wise enough to avoid the same scenario is up to them. However, simply stating, “you hurt my feelings” for the sake of making someone feel shitty and apologize is not constructive for either party.

I don’t believe in making someone feel bad for the sake of making them feel bad. They should feel bad because they did something terrible that made you feel bad. In order to achieve this, state exactly what they did/said that resulted in your damaged feelings. How they feel about that is their problem. If they choose to apologize based on what you said, that’s fantastic and you know they aren’t solely saying it because they  feel guilty. What do you do if they don’t apologize? Cry. That usually works.*

*I’m kidding. Don’t cry. This doesn’t usually end well.

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3 Responses to “How do you argue?”

  1. marriagecoach1 August 4, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    Well most people don’t have good conflict resolution skills. It is the leading cause of break ups. If you like I can guest post my article on how to have conflict resolution skills and stop fighting with your significant other and family.

    Blessings on you and yours

  2. poonamjo August 4, 2011 at 4:45 pm #

    oh loved it………..Somebody readily said……..“When an argument flares up, the wise man quenches it with silence” …Unfortunately, that does not happen…and both the people arguing use their energy. But what is funny is that most of us, do not argue over hundred things, but argue over the same issue hundreds of times…and how the argument ends is very always ends up crying…a nice , amusing post…am following it.

    • kelleyzwong August 4, 2011 at 7:13 pm #

      Thank you so much for reading! To be honest, I sometimes rather the other person argue or express some kind of emotion as opposed to sitting idly by and not saying anything because this lets me know that they care enough to evoke any kind of feeling from me in return. However, on the other hand sometimes I do simply need to vent and just want someone to listen and in those instances, silence is golden.

      I agree with you, that we probably all fight about many of the same things. Yet, every argument always seems so complicated compared to the last. Arguing can be extremely exhausting!

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